A Life of ASAP

Posted on by lindsay
As 2009 drew to a close and my average arrival time at the office crept past 10am (roughly an hour late), I vowed that things would be different after the first of the year. That resolve lasted until approximately 8:55am today, when I chose to spend a few extra minutes rubbing Kobe's belly and drinking my soy latte. It was just such a peaceful morning and the dogs were quiet and snuggly and work seemed distant and boring. The next thing I knew, it was 9:55am and I was cursing the woman in front of me who was cautiously navigating the parking garage at the same speed it would have taken me run while carrying my car. I wanted to kill her or at least flick her off, but the fear that she and I share an employer won. I don't know why I have such issues with time management. ...continue reading.

What An Excellent Year For An Exorcism!

Posted on by lindsay
For the past three years, I have begun each new year with a review of how I did with my previous year's resolutions and a discussion of my new resolutions. That sounds boring, so I'm not going to do it. Instead, I'm going to do a quick recap of the past year in list format, which saves me the time and trouble of developing thoughts and connecting them meaningfully in paragraphs. Also, it's probably less tedious for you to read. Things That Sucked in 2009 1. Grandma died. 2. My fiance left me and moved out. 3. I drowned uncomfortably at a job that tried to eat my favorite coworkers after it had chewed me up and spit me out. 4. Scout went blind in one eye, which now glows radioactively whenever it catches the light. 5. I killed every plant I owned this year (four of them). 6. The military ...continue reading.

Save Me From Myself

Posted on by lindsay
When I was younger, I always looked at whatever my dad did for work (generally speaking, government proposals, although all I knew at the time was that it involved suits, long hours, and acronyms) and swore that I would never have a job like that. I don't mean that as any offense to my father - he's a talented and intelligent guy who has worked hard to provide for our family. But his jobs seemed so dry and corporate, and I vowed I would never go that route with my life. Fast forward a decade or two, and not only have I become dry and corporate, but I have literally gone into the exact same field. And each day I wake up and I'm like, seriously?! There are a million boring, cubicle-bound careers and I still drifted into the very one I swore to avoid. Drifted is truly the word ...continue reading.

Unwanted Visitor

Posted on by lindsay
I was eating an apple and surfing the Internet at my desk when I looked down and noticed that the apple stem had a small, white sphere stuck to it with something dark inside. It looked horribly similar to what an insect would climb inside to turn into some other disgusting form of insect. I got up and walked over to another coworker's cubicle, where several people were standing together chatting. They examined the little pod and watched as I pulled it apart with a paper clip. The dark thing inside turned out to be some hard little lump of unidentifiable nothing, leading one woman to say, "You'll be fine. It's probably just some part of nature." Yuck. So is the Ebola virus, but that doesn't mean I want to eat it.