I was running late to visit my father for dinner the other night and I needed to stop by the grocery store to buy some corn. On my way there, I was traveling down busy Route 50 when the traffic lights as far as the eye could see turned red. I decided to turn left and cross Route 50 when I had the opportunity, and then complete my trip to the grocery store along the service road that runs parallel to the main road. This would enable me to bypass all of the red lights since I was in a hurry.
I was almost there, grocery store nearly in sight, when I came upon a woman in an SUV who was blocking an intersection that I needed to cross. (It’s always a woman in an SUV, isn’t it?) This particular ray of sunshine had pulled out into the intersection prematurely and was squarely blocking my lane. So I did the reasonable thing and honked once, gesturing for her to back up to allow me to pass.
She stared at me blankly, clearly not understanding the physics of my complicated proposition. I decided to help her by showing her my middle finger, which caused her to make an ugly face at me and then stare straight ahead, clearly ignoring me. That’s when my rational side took a short vacation from my body. I inched into the intersection until the nose of my car was inches from the side of hers and then laid on my horn with one hand while giving her the finger with my other. By this point, my car was blocking two other lanes of traffic and my horn was drawing a lot of attention. Miss Intersection Blocker, however, continued to pretend she had no idea what was happening two feet from her vehicle.
By the time the light had turned, I had already waged a serious internal battle about the negative affects of physically tapping the side of her vehicle with mine (“SO THERE!” versus “Violation: Willfully and maliciously nudging another vehicle”). I was already running late and still had no corn, so I passed on hitting her car but I did get one final jab in as she pulled away.
Pedestrians viewing this particular altercation would have seen a power window lowering, a skinny, pale white arm shooting out, and a huge wad of chewing gum being lobbed at the side of the escaping SUV.
But that wasn’t me. I would never do something that ridiculous.
You can quit law school, but you’ll still always use phrases like “willful and malicious”… ha.
I’m glad to see you took the high road.
I think this has solidified my case about you being a worse driver than me. I may be accident prone but you, my dear friend, are a menace to society in that vehicle of homicidal fury. Congratulations on taking road rage to an all new level!!