Man’s Best Friend

Posted on by lindsay
After careful consideration, Bobby and I have decided that our ideal pet must possess the following qualities:- Minimal tendency to bark- Fully housebroken- Limited shedding- Behaves when left unsupervised- Can sit and stay on command- Desires snuggle time at the end of the day- Does not mind being left unattended for long stretches of timeThat rules out a number of breeds, including all purebred and mixed breed dogs. As a result, we have decided to adopt the following four-legged friend that meets all of the above qualifications:He might be a little hard to take on long runs, but I think otherwise he'll fit in quite well.

Feel free to put in your $0.02.

Posted on by lindsay
Bobby and I adopted a dog this past Saturday. We had been discussing the possibility for several weeks and somehow in the process of visiting several adoption events, we went from Discussing to Owning without making a stop in Deciding. The dog we got is a young female Doberman/hound mix that we call Mischa. She has the body of a thirty-five pound Doberman with hound features sprinkled throughout, which means she is muscular, lean, smooth-coated, and very agile and bouncy. Mischa is a good girl – she has a lot to learn and some maturing to do, but we can tell that underneath her wildly enthusiastic exterior is a sweet, smart dog.But the wild enthusiasm layer is very thick. The woman running the rescue facility where we got Mischa stressed that she would need a lot of exercise, piles of exercise, don’t forget this dog needs lots of exercise, and ...continue reading.

White Lie

Posted on by lindsay
I was sitting on the living room floor yesterday when a large, roach-like bug crawled across my upper thigh. Like many people, I hate roaches. They are creepy, disgusting, and terribly resilient. My hatred, however, extends beyond the normal dislike into the deep-seated paranoia range. I have nightmares about encounters with roaches. I have woken up in a cold sweat, waving my arms in the air to ward off a phantom roach. I moved away from Charleston partially because of the thriving roach population. If given the choice, I would prefer to have my home infested with mice or pythons rather than find a single roach. Even the name makes me want to rip my tongue off and flush it down the toilet.So naturally, seeing what I thought was a roach scurrying on a part of my body had me moments from dying of horror.I screamed several times and frantically ...continue reading.

Reunion

Posted on by lindsay
Bobby and I were driving to my parents’ house the other night when we suddenly heard screeching tires behind us. We looked in the mirrors to see a car come flying around a right turn and barreling down the road towards us. The car then swerved around us into the oncoming lane of traffic and sped off. Bobby laid on the horn and I stuck my arm out the open window to flip them off, and they immediately stopped. Because we hope to be shot and killed someday soon, we pulled up next to the car to chat.The driver, who looked like a stereotypical small animal-torturing bully, snarled, “You wanna start something? Whatcha gonna do, bitch?”And while I was thinking up a brilliant response (“I’m going to stab you/throw litter at you/stare blankly at you”), Bobby said, “Shawn? Shawn Mulroney?”The driver's face went blank and he stumblingly grunted, "Who are ...continue reading.

Dear Gum, I Love You

Posted on by lindsay
When I was a little girl, I developed a love for sugar-free Bubble Yum bubble gum. I would buy a ten-piece pack and excitedly chew one piece (sometimes two!) each day. I can even remember one day in particular that I chewed the same piece for so long that it turned into a gooey liquid in my mouth that I ultimately had to pick out of my teeth. In my mind, I was not only enjoying a delicious brand of gum, but I was also strengthening my jaw. For what, I don't know. Building a dam? Winning dogfighting matches with my steel death jaws? Who knows? I just remember flexing my jaw and thinking of how strong it must be.Things didn't work out as planned. Instead of becoming somebody with the mandibular fortitude to eat shopping carts, I ended up with TMJ and strong warnings from my dentist and my ...continue reading.

Woman, Child Attacked By Fearsome Animal

Posted on by lindsay
As Bobby and I were driving out of our condo complex last night, we heard the shrill screams of a terrified woman. We then saw a woman sprinting across the parking lot towards her building, followed by a child who appeared to be her young son. Chasing after the two of them was a small gray squirrel.A squirrel.I don't know what was more ridiculous; that she was fleeing from an animal that I could easily fight off with two fingers, or that she ran screaming and left her child behind. Not surprisingly, nobody was injured.