The Dirt Field

Bobby moved out last Friday. There is so much to be said about the circumstances surrounding that choice, but I guess what it all comes down to is that we just weren’t able to be together and be happy right now. I had made a lot of mistakes in our relationship, he had made a few of his own, we each had our issues with each other and with ourselves, and we could no longer find a way to fix both ourselves and the relationship all at once. So he told me he needed to be done, and then moved out just short of forty-eight hours later.

And I’m all like holy shit.

Of course I had a meltdown. I was a depressed little slug already; I could suck the joy out of Christmas and make children cry with a single look. Having the guy I love move out of our home together and leave me alone in our old life was the icing on the enormous cake of crap I’d been trying to swallow for ages. One day when I’m ready to laugh about the sadness that has been the past six days, I’ll share all of the details, but for now you’ll have to be content to know that I made it through a few of those days on bottles of Ensure, small rectangles of bread, and my mother’s encouragement alone. It has been a little ugly. On the day that passed the fifty-hours-since-last-full-shower mark, it was a lot ugly and a little greasy.

Fortunately, I am getting better now. I’m not so deluded as to think that it won’t get worse repeatedly as it continues to gradually improve, but from what I know of myself, I tend to be all TRAGEDY TRAGEDY and then things improve quickly. I feel hopeful about the future and about having a chance to stop stressing about the relationship for a while. I feel like I can start getting back to living now; maybe finish this post, try riding my bike tomorrow, eat three (okay, maybe two) actual meals each day. Small steps.

But I miss Bobby so much, there are not even words to describe it. He was not just my fiance, he was my best friend, my partner in everything, the one person with whom I shared everything. Now that I am living our life alone, I can see the millions of ways he was part of me each day and his absence physically hurts. I hate that he is gone, hate that the only communication I have with my favorite person in the world is through text messages, hate that I did things in the past that helped us end up here, and hate the idea that I let him slip away. All of the complaints and issues I had seem so stupid now in light of losing the man I am certain is the love of my life.

I guess the only thing to do now is to move forward. He and I need to live our own lives right now, and part of that for me means accepting and learning from the mistakes I made and finding ways to be a happier person. It is very hard to make somebody you love happy when you can’t even find ways to make yourself happy. I also want to enjoy the things I have missed while Bobby was around; namely, eating a lot of poultry and growing out my leg hair. It’s going to be a hot life for me.

He and I have talked about the possibility of trying our relationship again in the future, and I’d be lying if I said that the thought of another try isn’t helping me get up and moving each day. I know what I have to do now, but I also know a good thing when I’ve seen it, and Bobby was a really good thing. Even knowing everything I know now, it is hard to live on the same planet as him and not want to be around him every day.

But that is my life right now. My life alone in my house with my dog. Yes, dog is singular there, because Bobby is coming on Saturday to take Scoot, our little $350 free dog, the sweetest pup I have ever met. It breaks my heart to let him go, but it’ll just be another thing I add to the pile of stuff I need to get through. And yet somehow life will still go on. I will still go on.