The Helen Keller of Driving
My friend Bobby and I spend a lot of time together in the car. We both love to travel, explore, and eat, which means we are constantly driving all over the place. Because my commute to work is so long and his is so short (a function of being unemployed for a living), he is almost always the one who drives us, whether we’re taking my car or his. I appreciate that he is willing to do all of the driving while I get to relax in the passenger seat, except that I am completely unable to relax for one small reason.
He is a terrible driver.
In the past few months, he has been pulled over once, hit a curb and popped two of his tires, had a serious near miss with two cars, swerved off the road several times, sideswiped a parked car (“But I left a note,” he said in his defense), and pulled into oncoming traffic. He also changes lanes like he’s terrified of the yellow lines: he creeps towards the other lane, swerves back and forth in anticipation, and then lurches into the lane. It’s appalling. When driving on the highway, he’ll park in the far right lane behind somebody who is practically walking, and then, when urged to please just go a little faster so we can get there this month, he’ll veer into the left lane and floor it. Right into the path of another vehicle. It doesn’t help my nerves to realize that his car is the size of a rollerskate, but with none of the included power and protection.
Because of this, I have dubbed him the Helen Keller of driving. Although he denies this vehemently, I can’t think of one other person sharing the road with him who would disagree.
Helen Responds
I don’t drive as a courtesy, I drive in order to continue living. Lindsay’s driving? She doesn’t actually drive; she attempts to break the sound barrier with her car. When she sees the speed limit signs, she takes them as a suggestion, quickly multiplies the posted number by 1.5, and accelerates. Traffic doing sixty? She’ll do ninety. There’s at least one Reckless Driving ticket on file in southern Virginia to prove it. I don’t even have enough fingers to count how many tickets she’s received since getting her license.
But come to think of it, I’m not even sure she can see those signs. I should probably mention that she is bordering on legally blind. While the average person has 20/30 vision, she has something in the vicinity of 20/200. She’ll be driving along at night or in the rain and start panicking, asking, “Where’s my lane?! I can’t see the lines! Is that my turn?” If I’m the Helen Keller of driving, then she’d be the Ray Charles-Earnhardt. She’s blind as a bat and still drives like she’s out to win the Daytona.
Your friend Helen, I mean Bobby, sounds sound smart and witty! He just really seems like a cool guy! Can I get his number?
I think it totally goes without saying that I agree with him. He’s a much better driver than you, Lindsay. But no hard feelings, okay?
It’s so embarrassing to see that you’ve left a typo in your comment. It’s too bad that no one will ever know who posted that horribly written comment…we could all point and laugh at their stupidity. The only thing they got right was their comment about Bobby. I’d rather ride with him any day of the week. And his car is really nice, too. Much nicer than yours…
Man, it must be embarrassing to leave a comment with such a glaring typo. It’s too bad we’ll never know who left it. The only thing that person said that makes any sense is the part about Bobby. I’d rather ride with him, too. Blind and reckless? Um, count me out!
i don’t ride with anybody. ever. i drive or i don’t go.
unless my wife makes me.
on a side note, i was enjoying some yummy strawberry milkshake whoppers until i looked in the bottom of the carton and saw a dead bug in there.
being a manly man, i shook the dead bug out in the garbage (ok, out on the floor) and continued to eat the whoppers.
a couple of minutes later as i went to eat some more of them out i shook a live spider out into my hand.
i screamed like a girly girl. if a girly girl were to scream a long string of obscenities that is, some of which i made up.
i think its time to leave the library.
you can drive.