Thank You.
While babysitting the other night, the little four year-old looked down at my admittedly large feet and exclaimed, "Wow! They're like monsters!"
You haven't lived until a French mastiff attempts to play a game with you called "Let Me Try To Fit Your Entire Arm In My Mouth."
Dear Man Seated Near Me At Panera,
I know Panera is relatively noisy and crowded. I know I'm wearing headphones that give the illusion that I can't hear background noises. I know we're both here to use the free Internet. I know it's a free country.But for the love of God, please stop reading aloud from your computer.I'm not sure why you need to read out loud in the first place. You're sitting alone; you're not on a phone or communicating with a webcam. You're just sitting in front of your laptop reading out loud about special education. And really, I'm about to kill you. Because although you may think I can't hear you, you're speaking quite audibly, and you're pushing me JUST THIS MUCH CLOSER to insanity. At first, I thought it was just weird to see you speaking to the screen of your laptop. But now, forty minutes later, I'm am in a blind rage, ...continue reading.
Delightful Excerpts from TheStranger.com
“I quit drinking for a year and a half after I blacked out on Capitol Hill—I vaguely recall arguing with a cop and weepily hugging a tree in the rain and waking up in the International District with no shoes.”“Make yourself puke if you're too drunk. True, sticking a finger down your throat is momentarily...uncomfortable... but sometimes a little Karen Carpentry averts mountains of pain in the morning.”“Don't drink things that are flavors of Kool-Aid. Which means cosmopolitans and lemon drops and other slutty drinks—including Southern Comfort, which exists solely to get 14-year-olds pregnant.”“Since no one taught you how to talk people into sleeping with you, boys and girls, you may be fuzzy on exactly what consent is ("Yes, I'd love to sleep with you!") and is not ("Dude, she passed out!").”“As most folks know, drinking a glass (or several) of fine champagne on New Year's Eve makes for an ...continue reading.
Natural Selection
"Gu Gu, a 6-year-old male panda at Beijing Zoo, is 'healthy and uninjured' after a drunken tourist climbed into the animal's enclosure and bit him, a zoo official says."