Reunion

Posted on by lindsay
Bobby and I were driving to my parents’ house the other night when we suddenly heard screeching tires behind us. We looked in the mirrors to see a car come flying around a right turn and barreling down the road towards us. The car then swerved around us into the oncoming lane of traffic and sped off. Bobby laid on the horn and I stuck my arm out the open window to flip them off, and they immediately stopped. Because we hope to be shot and killed someday soon, we pulled up next to the car to chat.The driver, who looked like a stereotypical small animal-torturing bully, snarled, “You wanna start something? Whatcha gonna do, bitch?”And while I was thinking up a brilliant response (“I’m going to stab you/throw litter at you/stare blankly at you”), Bobby said, “Shawn? Shawn Mulroney?”The driver's face went blank and he stumblingly grunted, "Who are ...continue reading.

Just your average text message conversation between friends.

Posted on by lindsay
Lindsay: "We should all go camping soon...Bobby is in love with the idea of living in nature."Caitlin: "Yes, let's. Matt loves to camp too. We want to go to a place called Senaca Rocks sometime. And White Oak Canyon. And Shenandoah. For the bears." Lindsay: "Great! I'll make Bobby wear his raw beef underwear."Caitlin: "Perfect. I'll rinse Matt in injured deer blood."Lindsay: "Great!"Caitlin: "We can sit back, inhaling s'mores, enjoying the entertainment."Lindsay: "You're sick. I love it. Count me in."

Unemployment Causes Brain Damage

Posted on by lindsay
"Bobby, you look tired. Did you have a busy day?" Mary asked as we lounged around on her couches."Um..." He paused, searching for an appropriate answer."No," I interrupted. "He did not have a busy day. He did nothing.""I did a lot of things! I woke up, I went to the gym, I stopped by your work, and I went to the store to buy a folder."I stared at him. "You went to the store specifically to buy a folder? Couldn't you have just asked me to get you one from my work?""I didn't think about it.""So, Bobby is tired because he had to go buy a folder today," Mary said. "You must have a lot of spare time, if going to buy a folder is a big event."We all laughed. "Just out of curiosity," I asked, "what did you need the folder for anyway?""I had to mail something."Silence."Did you mean ...continue reading.

Kobe, Picking Up Men On Facebook

Posted on by lindsay
Friend: "I want that dog. He's adorable."Lindsay: "What dog? The one in my picture?"Friend: "Yeah, the one in your picture. What other dog would I be talking about?"Lindsay: "I don't know; it was just a random comment, so I figured I'd clarify."Friend: "He's absolutely adorable, what a lil' fuzzball."Lindsay: "When people tell me I have a cute dog, I never know what to say. Do I thank them? It's not like I contributed to his cuteness in any way or gave birth to him, so thanking them seems odd. But then again, saying "I know" seems wrong as well; after all, it's not like I made my shoes, but if someone says they're cute, I'd thank them.So, thanks? I'll tell him you think he's cute. He's single, if you're interested...."Friend: "I'm always interested. Also, it's not so much a compliment to the owner for contribution but for taste."Lindsay: "I figured ...continue reading.

I apologize, but I finally need to write about poop.

Posted on by lindsay
When my best friend Caitlin and I were employed at the same company last summer, she and I were Work Poop Buddies. You can wrinkle your nose or laugh derisively at my immaturity, but you know exactly what I'm talking about - whenever Caitlin or I would have to use the restroom, we would go together. We did this because it created the perfect plausible deniability: if someone else walked in while we were in there together, they would immediately assume that we were not pooping. And why? Because nobody actually poops with another person around. That would be invasive and disgusting.If you think I sound crazy, you're probably a male. Men leap up from their desks, grunt and adjust themselves, grab a newspaper, and shuffle off to the men's room. Then they spend ten to fifteen minutes comfortably relieving themselves, regardless of who comes and goes from the bathroom ...continue reading.