I’ve been doing a bit of research on my medication in hopes of determining how to counteract the side effects and get back on a regular schedule of being happy and drugged. My research allowed me to compile a list of possible side effects, for anyone considering augmenting their daily life with some fun pills:
Weight Gain: Thought you were depressed already? Here’s some extra weight to boost your self esteem.
Increased Sweating: You’re probably just sweating out of joy.
Lethargy, Fatigue, Memory Loss, Brain Fog: It doesn’t matter if you’re feeling better; you’re too out of it to notice.
Hair Loss: Going bald makes me happy too. If I’m lucky, maybe my eyebrows will fall off. I never cared much for them.
Tremors, Shakes, Other Uncontrolled Muscle Movements: Everyone secretly loves being the center of attention. With your new uncontrolled twitching, nobody will be able to take their eyes off of you.
Nausea, Diarrhea, and other Gastrointestinal Issues: What more could you want, other than maybe some anal leakage?
Loss of Libido: Your girl/boy bits take on the persona of a shy clam, sealed for all eternity. Don’t worry. With your fatigue, twitching, and diarrhea, you’re weren’t much of a catch anyway.
Loss of Appetite: Food will completely lose it’s appeal. On the bright side, you’ll still be gaining weight.
And my personal favorite…
Suicide: You’re feeling so much better. So much so, in fact, that you kill yourself.
I prefer to use the term “fecal incontinence”.
I have also heard the term “reduced transit time” used.
Hair Loss: If you’re really lucky, maybe your arm hair will fall out too.
Yes, I know you posted this entry several months ago, but since you haven’t supplied me with any entertainment this week, I’ve been forced to revisit your old stories. Don’t you understand you exist solely for my amusement? Get to work.