I was craving food a few minutes ago (not to be confused with actually being hungry), so I walked into the kitchen to get a snack. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a flash of movement, so I quickly glanced over and saw One Big Ass Spider.
Panic ensued, I let out a comically delayed yell of horror more because it seemed appropriate than anything else, and the first thing I instinctively did was trap him under a glass. Not out of any desire to preserve his life, no effing way, but simply because I needed time to figure out what to do. To squish him would be a horrible mess complete with twitching legs and exploding guts and what would I use to do it anyway? My slipper? PLEASE. They’d be dead to me after that.
Once he was safely under the glass, I bent down for a closer look and a few photos (because if it doesn’t go on the Internet, it didn’t happen). I was midway through trying to focus the camera when the dishtowel – which was hanging on the oven door in my peripheral vision – chose that moment to drop to the floor. All I saw was more sudden movement, so I freaked out and made a terribly ugly, loud noise that sounded like somebody kicking a parrot.
Once I stopped twitching and gasping over the fallen towel, it became clear that the spider needed to leave my home in one piece and go outside to die. That meant delicately sliding aluminum foil under the glass, wrapping it up tightly, weighting it down with a tub of Recoverite, and then sitting down to watch the Vampire Diaries.
I mean, it’s not like he’s going anywhere.
The good part of all this is that my urge to eat is completely gone. So is my urge to live in my house or ever enter my kitchen again, but let’s just focus on the glass-half-full aspects.
The glass half full of spider.
Ugh.