The Boss is looking for a job. “I need a job where I don’t have to read and I don’t have to write.”
The Boss is not having any fun: “All of these meetings make me want to crawl into a hole and DIE.”
The Boss freaked out on Sunday a la Britney Spears and shaved his head. He didn’t mention if he’d attacked anyone with an umbrella.
The Boss had to come back to the office after a round of golf today. He is dressed like a traffic cone and can be seen from outer space.
he Boss was feeling passionate about our jobs today. “We’re like evangelists for the company!”
The Boss borrowed my office key to go to the bathroom. He ran my key under water so it was wet when he gave it back. Then he laughed.
“She’s going to pick one and beat it to death like a Roman stepchild!” The Boss pauses and then says, “I don’t even know what that means.”
The Boss can’t see out of his rainy windshield: “I’m not spending $12 on a fucking wiper blade. I’m returning this [leased] car in a month.”
The Boss is dieting well: “So I’m driving my car and then it drives itself to Five Guys and I went in and got a cheeseburger and fries.”
The Boss wants me to focus on our big presentation. He tells me, “Imagine wrapping yourself up in a presentation blanket.” He hugs himself.
The Boss is unhappy. “I just want to go home and play with my kids and talk about how bad my life is.”
“I want the red carpet rolled out when I leave and I want people fucking holding popcorn,” said The Boss about his upcoming presentation.
The Boss rushed into my office to share some news: “I actually brought up a good point…for once.”
“Your hair looked a little frazzled yesterday,” The Boss said. “It looks better today, now that I see it combed.”
A fire alarm just sounded in our office. The Boss walked around the office and tried to discuss business while everyone else evacuated.
The Boss’ windshield wipers are too old to clear away anything, but he won’t replace them. He prefers to wait until his lease ends in Sept.
“Those women that look out of the little peepholes…” The Boss means women in burqas.
The Boss likes to eat my almonds and chew them as loudly as he can. It sounds like he’s eating a forest of redwoods.
The Boss is a master of information technology. “Cloud computing? Isn’t that a security thing? Up on the cloud or something?”
I hear a loud banging coming from The Boss’ office. When I ask what he is doing over there, he replies: “Typing.”
“These new business cards are nice!” The Boss announces excitedly, flicking one aggressively. “They’re like cardboard!”
The Boss comes into my office, sits in my guest chair, spins around in a circle, and yells, “WHEEEEEEEEE!”
The Boss made a Dunkin’ donut talk to me, trying to get me to eat it. He then sent me an article about how donuts are very unhealthy.
The Boss took his family on a long road trip. He hates to stop, as he thinks it wastes time. He made his wife pee in a clean baby diaper.
The Boss accidentally butt-dialed the office and left a 2 minute and 26 second rant on the company’s main voicemail. I deleted it for him.
“I’m an expert interviewer. These people were eating out of my hand like squirrels. It’s true. I don’t know what else to say.”
The Boss loves his wife very much but had a minor disagreement over the need to see a doctor. “My wife is an IDIOT,” he said. “An idiot MD.”
The Boss searched for a parking spot before lunch. He saw one labeled as “Special Needs” and announced, “I have special needs. I’M HUNGRY.”
In an email dumping a teaming partner: “We respectively withdraw from the team.” Respectively? Respectfully, maybe?
The Boss has lost weight recently. His pants look like they could support him in an impromptu parachuting adventure.
“The CFO is looking for you. He needs numbers from you and you’re late for the 2pm meeting.” The Boss is kidding. There is no meeting.
“You should have seen my performance in action,” The Boss yelled, slapping his papers on my desk. “I should be on YouTube!”
“We’ll turn back the bedsheets,” said The Boss in another meeting. What does he expect to find? Stains? Bedbugs?
The Boss said in a meeting with another company: “Otherwise, you’ll end up in the backseat sucking wind.” Um, what?
Sometimes The Boss’ hair looks like it has been styled by a flock of angry sparrows.
My boss at my last job was a good friend, but one who often said and did some of the most ridiculous things. After calling him a ‘caricature of himself’ a few dozen times, I started a Twitter account to keep track of his best contributions to each day. He loved it and would laugh every time I would ask him to stop for a second so I could write down his latest insanity. We don’t work together anymore, so I’m closing down the Twitter account and moving the content here: