Tomorrow is the first World Cup of my cycling career, the Philadelphia International Cycling Classic. While I’ve done this race every year since 2011, this is the longest, hardest version yet and also the first time I’ll be doing it as a World Cup. You can learn more about the significance of the World Cup series here. I have been eager and anxious all season to step up to competing at the highest level of the sport with the best women in the world.
But to be honest, I am struggling to give a shit.
I miss my dog. Racing my bike seems frivolous and empty at the moment, as does just about everything else. Work? Ugh. Training? Ugh. It feels like a chore to even care about things like getting the mail or shaving my legs. I just want to sit on the floor with Kobe and wait for time to pass.
The worst part is that I feel obligated to ride and race because of how much time I sacrificed with Scout to be elsewhere in the country riding my bike. I missed several months of time with him this year to travel for cycling, and now he is gone. Was I too selfish? Is it even worse to not care about riding right now, after sacrificing so much?
I don’t know if it’s normal to feel this broken and sad over a dog. It doesn’t matter; this is how I feel. There is a hole in my heart and in my family and nothing except time will ease that sorrow. I don’t feel ready to get fired up about anything, World Cup or not.
But I think that is okay. Just because tomorrow is an important, prestigious race doesn’t mean the rest of life should cease to exist. I will go and race, while respecting that right now my heart is a little too broken to fully engage in the moment and the competition.
Thank you so much to everyone who has offered kind words this week. You have all reminded Andrew and me that is okay to be sad, that we made the right choice for Scout, and that in time the sorrow will be replaced with wonderful, happy memories. Thank you for understanding and for being our friends.
Lindsay ,This is one of the hardest things one has to face! Your doing EXCELLENT !Just remember that. Your an inspiration to lots! With all your hard work and detication! I know you will do your very BEST! Thoughts are with you and Andrew .
Jeff
opportunity cost… the time that you spend on the road going to the races has a cost. That cost is the missed opportunities to do other things. You have had a great run! It won’t last forever. nothing does. You just need to be realistic and listen to yourself. Life is about the decisions that we make. You can decide at any time to go down a new and different road or stay on the road you are on. Whatever road you are on, ride your ass off, you may not be on that road ever again.
I feel your pain as a matter a fact I posted an old pic of me and my best bud ever RFJ. Life it to short to 2nd guess your self missing time with your bud. My advise is race for him tomorrow! In time you heart will heal as did mine.
Mike
We are all different and there is no right or wrong way to mourn. Facing loss last year, the first thing I wanted to do was get back on my bike. I found it helpful to lose myself in the miles. You do what you do and be assured it is the right thing.
Echoing Mike C’s sentiments. We lost a dog last month an I’m still mourning/struggling with it. Having been a life time dog owner, those days are the worst ever. You prior post had me in tears reflecting on our recent loss. But, we make the dogs lives better as they do ours. When my other two got me up this morning at 5a, to eat, I might not have been thinking that, but I know it’s true. All our lives are better because we have each other (dogs-owners)… our dogs are our family. Throw it all out there today, do your best, you’ve got nothing to lose… but also know cool/necessary to mourn anyway you have to. This will be the first time in years that my wife and I can’t make the Philly race as a fan. (she’s sick) we’ll be pulling for you watching on TV. God Speed and good luck.
respect
fatmarc