Hollywood Debut

I came home one night last week to find The Landlord and Matty in the kitchen in various stages of preparing dinner. After my standard warm welcome ("Where the hell have YOU been?"), The Landlord informed me that there would be a crew at our house that Tuesday night to film a television show. Apparently one of The Landlord's friends is an associate producer for a new show on Court TV, and when a house was needed to film a party scene, this friend immediately thought of us. It was exciting news, but I pointed out that we might want to consider doing some cleaning before the crew arrived the next day. My actual wording may have been a bit less delicate ("They're coming here? But this place is a dump!"), because The Landlord instantly became defensive. He looked around the kitchen, objected to my assessment, and then explained that ...continue reading.

Notable Things That Have Happened This Week About Which I Have Been Too Lazy To Write

- There was a television show filmed at my house the other day. I guess I'll write a little more about that when I'm feeling a bit more motivated. So that'll be, like, ten years from now.- My dog threw up on my bed and my carpet while I was at work yesterday. It was that bright yellow bile that is a byproduct of not eating, something that Kobe does on purpose when he is irritated that I have not quit my job to pet him full time.- I have worn the same exact pair of jeans to work every day this week. Nobody has said anything yet; thus, I will wear them tomorrow as well.- My father informed me that my Fredericks of Hollywood catalog was waiting for me at their house. They're those people that sell movie supplies to film crews, right? Because if not, that might be ...continue reading.

Power of Prayer

The Landlord had some dental work done last Tuesday, and it was apparently causing him a bit of discomfort yesterday while at work. He was discussing the pain with a coworker, who responded by asking, "Do you believe in the healing power of Jesus Christ? Because if you do, I'll say a prayer for you tonight."Ever the diplomat, The Landlord thanked her kindly. She then asked if perhaps he had time right then to say a prayer."Well," he began, "I'm kind of busy right now. And also, I hope that God has some bigger fucking issues on his plate than my teeth."Okay, so he didn't say the last part. But he said it to me in the retelling, and insisted that I include it verbatim in this story. I think God will be angry with The Landlord though, and will smite him by causing all of his teeth to fall ...continue reading.

Junk Mail Roasting On An Open Fire

After a stressful day yesterday, the Landlord, Matty, and I gathered around the fireplace to relax and burn the Landlord's piles of old, unopened mail. The fire was a welcome addition to our normally freezing basement, and it was great to sit back and enjoy the night as the fake credit cards, plasticized promotional mailers, and glossy envelope inserts burned brightly. While the peaceful stupor that overcame me may have actually been a reaction to the toxic fumes, I'm not going to complain. I'll take my happiness anyway I can get it.

If I’d Dyed My Armhair, They’d Have Noticed

After three hours of work, three different treatment processes, $140 worth of services (including tip), and $42 worth of new shampoo and conditioner, the best my two male roommates could say is, "Did you get a haircut or something?"And that was after I shouted, "Look at my damn head! SOMETHING IS DIFFERENT."In case you're wondering (and I'm certain the suspense is practically killing you), I went from Marilyn Manson With Carrot Top Roots to My, Doesn't Your Hair Look Naturally Sun-Streaked (If You Live On Mercury). I'll post pictures at some point.